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I haven’t been writing blogs as much. Definitely not every other week. Not because I don’t love writing. It’s still my passion and I still write all the time. I’m just working on different projects, which makes me feel good. I don’t feel pressure to write a blog and post every Tuesday.
I’ve always been an advocate of doing what feels good to you. Or at least I thought I was. But low key, I was a people pleaser. I did things because a friend wanted me to, or because the guy I liked had asked nicely. So they got what they wanted, and I was left feeling pretty empty.
When something no longer feels good, we stop putting our heart into it, right? We’re not giving it our all anymore. And people really feel that. They feel the lack of excitement or happiness.
It’s the same for dating. When you are sick and tired of first dates, you don’t put as much effort in to looking good. You aren’t worried about your outfit or showing up on time. You just go through the motions.
When I started Secrets of the Single Girl, I loved dating. I loved going out, meeting new people, etc. And then all of a sudden I hated it. It had become a chore for me. I was spending my precious Friday nights getting ready for a 2 hour date that lead nowhere. At one point I even stopped doing my normal hair routine so I could nap a little longer.
So I decided to implement date myself nights; usually on Friday night. I refused to go on a date. I refused to go out with friends. I refused any and all responsibilities. And it felt so damn good.
My evening would start with a trip to Ralphs to stock up on my essentials. Pizza or mac and cheese, some flaming hot Cheetos, and either ice cream or Mike n Ike’s. It was the best cheat meal EVER. Then I’d grab a chick flick or horror movie (total opposites, I know.) And I would sit my ass on the couch and relax. Maybe even have a glass of wine *gasp.*
The first few weeks I felt anxious doing it. I felt like I was wasting a prime date night. What if the man of my dreams was falling in love with someone else while I was eating my feelings?! And then it started feeling more and more normal. My friends knew I wasn’t going to go out, so they stopped asking and we would instead plan our Saturday nights.
When I started dating myself I also stopped doing other things that no longer felt good. I stopped saying sorry when I wasn’t actually sorry. I stopped saying yes to things I didn’t want to do. I started having boundaries for myself.
I was no longer saying sorry for not texting back someone I wasn’t in the mood to talk to. I wasn’t saying yes to going out to a fancy restaurants I knew I couldn’t afford before pay day. And I never apologize for how I feel.
When you start doing things for yourself, doing things that feel good instead of doing them out of obligation, things start to change. Life becomes a little better. You stop and smell the roses a little more. You’re more grateful, and you don’t hold that hidden resentment for sating yes to something you hated.
I’ve received quite a few messages from men and women recently saying they don’t understand why they haven’t found someone, etc. But all relationships start out with self-love.
We're so worried about what we're supposed to be doing, that we forget to take care of ourselves. We're told we should be married with 2 kids by 35. But it's ok to take your time. Take care of yourself now. Once you have 2 kids and a dog, you won't have the same time you did when you were baby-free.
Date yourself first. Do something you love that you don’t normally get to do. Read a book, take a bubble bath.
Guys, I’m talking to you too. Take a sick day and go golfing or surfing. Whatever makes you feel your best.
Choose yourself. Even if you're in a relationship, take time for you. Do things you love, even when they're not around. Last night I ate gushers and flaming hot cheetos!
Love yourself first. Love the person you were. The person you are. And the person you are becoming.
Xoxo
Allison